Two Squishy Girls

i stepped on the scale this morning to sneak a little peek and saw 161.  down .6 pounds since monday and am kind of disappointed.

and that’s why the scale is my friend and my enemy.  it helps affirm or confirm when i’m doing well or not so well, but it’s also become my fixation during this weight loss journey.  i should be happy (and part of me is) that i’ve lost weight instead of gaining.  i should be proud of myself for running the shamrock shuffle in under an hour.  and i should be excited that i’m wearing my new size 10 skinny jeans and one cup smaller bra today and that they fit rather comfortably (i don’t feel like a sausage!).  but for whatever reason, i’m letting this little white scale tell me how i should feel, and that’s just plain silly.  especially since this unhealthy fixation is one of the triggers for me binging, which is even sillier with all its self-destruction.

so i think i’m going to take a break again from the scale.  and hopefully not give in to binging or overeating.  a coupla of my friends are coming into town this weekend, and i’m hoping to still make healthy choices while they’re here.

keep me on track, tumblrs? =]

phaaaase 2 - second weigh in

starting weight - 187.4 pounds

last weigh-in - 175.2

current weight - 161.6

squishyness lost from last weigh-in - 13.6 pounds

total squishyness lost - 25.8 pounds!

i haven’t weighed myself since march 1, and i have to admit that i was hoping to see the 150s on the scale or at least 160 because that’s how i feel.  but i realize that i feel 160 because i just ran an 8k in 58 minutes 48 seconds, which is a 11:49 pace, i haven’t fallen off the wagon for three weeks, i bought some jeans and a bra this past weekend that are both smaller sizes than i have been wearing, and so regardless of what the scale tells me, i know that i am on the right track =] 

i just need to get my mind straight and not let the scale dictate how i feel.  because well, that’s just plain silly.

i’m debating with myself whether or not i should weigh in tomorrow.  i’ve been trying to avoid the scale because i was getting too stressed out about my weekly weigh-ins.  but i think it might be a good idea to start weighing myself regularly just so that i can see where i slip up and where i do well.  i just need to make sure not to beat myself up over the numbers.

what do yalls think?

phase 2 day 1

after many posts claiming that i was back on the wagon, i’m coming back to tumblr with my hypothetical tail between my legs.

i weighed in 175.2 pounds today.  definitely a bummer, but i’m realizing how silly it is to mope about my weight gain and cope with it with more food and no exercise.

today is two weeks after i fell off the wagon.  today is the day that i’m back on the wagon after two weeks of disgusting binging.  today is marking the first day of “phase two” of my weight loss journey.

i’m calling it phase two because having a blank slate feels good and also because i’m going to try to address the mistakes and falls that i’ve made since starting my weight loss journey back on september 29, 2009.

i have a weird emotional relationship with food, which leads to me binging.  i’ve been trying to process the reasons why i binged for two whole frickin weeks, and i realized that some of the reasons were because i felt like i couldn’t eat the food that i wanted to when i was eating healthy and because some days i just didn’t feel like working out.  i think i became burnt out on it all, and i think i beat myself up too much when i did fail, which led to me falling even harder.

so what i’m trying to figure out with phase 2 is having a plan for myself (which i’ve found helpful in the past) while also giving myself wiggle room (not jiggle room, har har) with eating healthy and exercising.

thank you for all the support tumblrs, and i’m happy to see that you guys have been writing and been doing well!  missed yalls.

also, any advice tumblrs on how to balance?

weigh in #32

starting weight - 187.4 pounds

last weigh in - 156 pounds

current weight - 173.4 pounds

squishyness gain from last weigh in - 17.4 pounds

total squishyness lost - 14 pounds

i’ve gained nearly 20 pounds in the last two weeks because i’ve been binging.  no purging.  every time i think i have it under control (usually for three weeks or so), i lose it.

it’s been really embarassing and kind of painful to write this post.  to have to admit that i have such a disgusting problem.  i’ve thought about giving up my tumblr and doing this on my own.  i’m pissed off at myself for having to go through the 170s and the 160s again.  i’m pissed off at myself for still wanting unhealthy foods.  i’m pissed off at myself because i want to start today, but i feel like i don’t have the energy to.  i’m pissed off at myself because every day for the past morethantendays i’ve felt like this, and if i had gotten my ass back on the wagon after the first day off, i would be well on track.  any advice, tumblrs? =/

h - weigh in #31

starting weight - 187.4 pounds

last weigh-in - 159 pounds

current weight - 156.0 pounds!!! =]

squishyness lost from last weigh in - 3 pounds!

total squishyness lost - 31.4 pounds yippee!

i can’t believe i’ve reached the 30 pound milestone!  and i can’t believe i’ve lost 3 pounds this week.  a big squishy part of me doesn’t want to get too excited about it all though because i’m really afraid of gaining due to stress eating/emotional eating/binge eating.

it’s been 17 days since i’ve eaten my feelings.  i can’t believe i’ve gone this long, and i really hope that i’ll keep on swimming.  i’m starting to realize how big a role stress eating plays in my life and in this weight loss journey, and i’m trying to reflect and address issues related to it.  i keep on telling myself that i need to start writing in my journal again, but i keep on forgetting to make time for it.  today, i am going to make a date with my journal.  it’s been too long!

i think this three pound weight loss is due to my increased running mileage.  i’m getting super pumped about the shamrock shuffle!  four of my friends will be running in it!, and while i’ll probably not be able to run along with them because they’re a lot faster than me, it’ll just be so awesome knowing that four of my favorite people in the world will be there running in the streets of downtown chicago, too.

i told my friend j who is running in it about the soldier field ten mile race in may.  both of us are kind of scared and awed by the idea of doubling our mileage in two months, but the image of crossing the finish line of the race at the 50 yard line in soldier field is entertaining the idea of registering for it.  i still haven’t decided.  i would love to be able to run 10 miles by may, but it’s so scary!  i know i’ve asked yalls about it, and you guys said that you think that it’s possible, but it still makes my legs really wobbly to think about it.  i’ve been looking at training plans, but do yalls have any running tips to train for 10 miles?

h - weigh in #30

starting weight - 187.4 pounds

last weigh-in - 161.4 pounds

current weight - 159 pounds!!! =]

squishyness lost since last weigh-in - 2.4 pounds

total squishyness lost - 28.4 pounds!

why hello 150s, i’m happy to see you again =]

farewell 160s!  for some reason, i kept on going back to you.  but i think we’re through.

it’s been about ten days since i’ve emotional/stress/binge eaten, and i’m hoping to make it another ten days.  i’m pretty happy with my weigh-in today, and i’m hoping that this weight loss will last.

i also can’t wait till i get to say that i’ve lost 30 pounds.  i’m excited to see what today and february brings!  happy sunday yalls.

h - weigh in #29

starting weight - 187.4 pounds

last weigh-in - 169.4 pounds

current weight - 161.4 pounds!

squishyness lost from last weigh-in - 8 pounds!!!

total squishyness lost - 26 pounds =]

when i first saw the number on the scale this morning, i breathed a sigh of relief rather than a little yelp of yippee!  but as i was typing out this post, i realized that i had lost 8 pounds this week after my 10 pound gain from stress eating last week.  i guess healthy eating and regular exercise does work =p

i reaaaaally hope that this is the last time that i’m going to have to lose through the 160s because i’m looking forward to tackling the 150s.  plus i haven’t seen them in a while!

i had a really great strength training session yesterday with my legs.  i usually hate working out my legs and my core.  they’re the weakest part of my body… which i guess is probably why i should spend more time on them… hmm.  i hated yesterday’s session, but i love how i felt afterwards.  plus, i want some great gams more than i hate squats and lunges.

i’m trying to find the energy to go to the gym to strength train my arms.  i’m going to take the day off from running or any kind of cardio.  i went out with some of my girls last night, and i danced like a wild thing, so i’m going to count that as my cardio for today =]

my girl m came out with us who i haven’t seen since october.  when i saw her in october, she had already lost twenty pounds, and she’s lost fifteen extra pounds since then.  she looks great!  i asked her if she had any helpful tips, and she said, “calorie counting!”  she said that she finds that when she eats between 1200-1400 calories a day, she does not lose weight, but than when she eats between 1400-1700 calories a day, she does.  i guess what they say about your body needing more calories to help fuel your weight loss is true =]

i really admire her weight loss, and i really admire her attitude about it.  she said that she wants to lose another thirty pounds, and the way that she said it was so upbeat and nonchalant.  lately i’ve been stressing about weight loss, exercise, and food, which is really kind of silly.  i should be enjoying this time because it’s a great time for growth and discovery (i know, super cheesy).

170.2 pounds today.  yikes.  i knew that i would probably see my weight fluctuate into the 160s, but not the 170s.  it stops today =[

h - weigh in #28

starting weight - 187.4 pounds

last weigh-in - 166.2

current weight - 169.4

squishyness lost from last weigh-in - GAINED 3.2 pounds

total squishyness lost - 18 pounds

these numbers really make me sad.  even the total squishyness lost numbers because just a week ago, i was so close to making it to 30 pounds lost.

so i’ve been binge/emotional/stress eating for six days straight.  this is a reminder to myself what happens.

cons of emotional eating:

• i gain over ten pounds in less than a week
• my face is puffy
• my tummy looks like i’m in my second trimester
• i have nooooo energy
• the unhealthy food that i eat don’t taste nearly as good as i think they do, and they don’t taste better than the healthy food that i have been eating
• my body misses the gym, but feels too heavy and tired to run
• i feel and look like crap because i’ve been eating like crap

pros of healthy eating and regular exercise:

• i look better in my clothes
• i have more energy
• my mind feels more clear and sharp
• adrenaline, endorphins, and ego boost after working out

in the past i would have just said aw hell, and i’d give up, and just balloon back to my starting weight.  and while there is a big squishy part of me that is so discouraged from this crazy weight gain that i want to throw in the towel, i know that i would beat myself up even more two months from now.

so here’s throwing a coupla new goals in the mix.  chinese new year is on february 14 this year.  i want to make it to chinese new year without giving in to stress/emotional/binge eating.  that is 27 days, including today, without letting stress or other emotional issues impact my healthy habits.  when i feel stress or emotional yuckiness coming on, i am going to talk it out with my mom, my friends, tumblr, journaling, or i’ll take a walk or a run.  because unhealthy eating is not productive to me resolving whatever is stressing or upsetting me.

there is also an event that i’m going to that weekend, and i want to look hella good. =]

mini goals for the week: run 3 miles at least once this week and stay under 2000 calories.  i’m going to a board meeting wednesday night where there will be food.  i think i will bring a snack to eat in the car ride over.

still really sad that i gained over ten pounds in less than a week.  any suggestions on getting back on track?